Help & Advice13th October 2013

Dear Wendy

Wendy sets out some advice to readers who have written in asking for help

by Wendy Callaghan

‚ÄčDear Wendy

Dear Wendy,

I am writing to you as I am concerned about my husband. He recently discovered a lump on his testicles and he refuses to go to see the Doctor. He is so stubborn! He will not let me arrange a doctor appointment for him, and says that it is normal for men to have lumps in their testicles. I know it is not, and feel it will be best for him to get it checked out.

We are arguing about it all the time and I cannot stop worrying about him.

Yours worried and confused.
 

Victoria

Hello Victoria

I can see that you are having a very worrying time with your husband over the lump. It is hard for you to know what is best to do, as there is a lot of media coverage about prostate cancer which can be confusing. It is difficult, especially when you are aware of what it could be, and your husband appears to be in complete denial over the situation.

The best way forward is for you to ask your husband to have a look at this website together, http://prostatecanceruk.org/ which is full of information. Do not force your husband to look at it, as it is such a taboo area and extremely sensitive for men to cope with.

Hopefully, when he is ready, he will look at the information in his own time and make an appointment with the GP and discuss it. Offer him your support and say that you will go with him to his appointments, so he is aware that he is not alone.

For our male readers, it is very important to be strong and to get any lumps checked out, the same as for women, who find lumps in their breasts. We need to support each other whatever happens in the future.

Dear Wendy

I am deaf, and my husband is hearing. We have 3 children of which, one is deaf. The children’s ages are 13, 10 and 6. The deaf child is 10. The issue is not with my deaf child, it is with the 13 year old, the oldest child. She is becoming very difficult in the last few months and I am not at all sure what to do.

She is not coming home at the time I tell her. For example, I say be home for tea, half 6, and she does not come back till 7.30pm or, if she goes to her friend’s house after school, but does not let me know where she is. She has a mobile phone and she claims she phones her father to tell him and he does not pass the message on to me. I am becoming frustrated.

I feel, as a mum, I am not in control of my daughter’s well-being and that she is not respecting me compared to the way she respects her father. I am worried that my daughter is a role model for her sisters and this bad behaviour may be seen as okay for them to follow when they are teenagers.

I am also very confused and angry with my husband, as he should know that I care about the safety of my children and he should let me know when he hears from any of the children. How can I solve this problem and move on?

Yours in despair, Zoe

Dear Zoe

I can see that you are feeling very frustrated by more than one situation. Firstly, you are unhappy about your daughter not fully understanding why direct communication with you is very important to you. Likewise, your husband does not understand the importance of telling you what is being said, and you do not like being ‘left out of the loop’.

A further issue is that your eldest daughter does not always understand why you have the rule about time, for her to be home by certain times. What needs to be done is for you to explain to your husband how you are feeling about the whole situation and how you feel unsupported by him. Hopefully, he will understand where you are coming from, and then together you can talk to your daughter to show that you are both working together.

When parents work as a team, they are able to ensure that children are aware of the house rules and also to see that they cannot play one off against the other.

As for your worries concerning the other two children, if you both show a united front, they will see for themselves that they cannot copy their older sister’s behaviour and attitude as you and your husband agree the house rules, and work together to make sure that all of your children abide by them. In time they will understand that they are not to try and copy their older sister’s mistakes when they are teenagers.

Article by Wendy Callaghan

posted in Community / Help & Advice

13th October 2013